In the first hours as we left Mystic, CT it all seemed surreal - and real. Our friends Jack and Marcia were waving encouragement from the dock as we waited for the railroad bridge to open.We plan to meet up with them again in Bermuda in 2 weeks. Ken and Stormy came to help with our cast off and to give hugs and good wishes for our “adventure” – little did they know just how much of an adventure it was going to be. Just on the outside of the railroad bridge a seal slipped through the water and blew out a breath. We took that as a good sign to us. And there was the familiar route out of our protected marina, the parting phone calls to friends and loved ones, the first sunset and the overall delight I think I can say we both felt at finally being on the water, with Gypsy, setting out on our adventure; a culmination of our intention and work.
But that’s not what I want to focus on. I want to tell you about what I came to know about myself. I sold the house, gave away my possessions and told my friends and family that I love them. Our last year has been consumed with planning and preparation for this significant life change; a life shared with a man I continue to come to know. Will I be able to do this? Can this strongly indoctrinated, work ethic raised woman take on a life of adventure and of being – in the moment? My life has been prescribed by the values of hard working, honest people. Many of my life’s challenges, up ‘til now have been what I might call moderate or careful. Who will I find when I have the time look deeper into myself?
I love being on the water in a sailboat. I love exploring new cultures and meeting new people. And I love Dan. I guess you could say what I lack in experience I make up for in enthusiasm. But that far oversimplifies it. I have never been in a thunderstorm at sea nor have I ever been in winds greater than 25 knots. The biggest seas I have weathered were 6-8 feet – and mostly I was O.K. if I didn’t go below. But what if the seas got really huge? I wasn’t sure if there were enough anti seasickness medicines available on board to calm my possible weary being. I knew in the upcoming weeks I would have to sort these challenges out; I didn’t expected it to be on Day 2.
Our first night of watch-on-watch went very well. We were each able to give the other long enough periods of rest to be refreshed for our next turn awake. Contrary to our usual rule of reefing the main at night, Dan felt the comfortable 10-12 knot breeze would serve us to get through the Gulf Stream without delay; before the predicted 30-knot winds on Thursday. The night was exhilarating: the moon cast beautiful soft light on the water that illuminated the silhouettes of the dolphins that danced along beside us. I woke Dan at around 4 AM, at his pre-direction, when the wind was consistently 17 knots, and we reefed the main. By sunrise as the wind velocity kept climbing and we reefed the main again. I asked Dan what we would do if the velocity continued to escalate. He took that as a suggestion to rig our storm jib. With the genoa jib on a roller reefer it is a lot of effort to switch to a smaller jib in heavy winds. Way back in our planning stages Dan had talked to several riggers and explored exactly how installing an inner forestay could be done with our current rigging. I never fully understood the magnitude of his decision. Dan designed the deck mounting hardware and collaborated with our rigger, Jeff Morgan, to select an attachment that would allow the new forestay to be moved into position as needed. Jeff installed running backstays to support our mast when the storm jib was flown. Dan and I had practiced the execution of this rigging at the dock but never at sea. As the winds gusted up to 20-25 knots, the seas churned and the crest of the waves increased as did the troughs. With all of our activity we had not been able to eat any food. Not that I felt like it; it was a major feat to be below deck without injuring oneself as the rolling of the boat was sending us and any untethered items randomly about. (I thought I we’d done a good job at securing all items below before departure.) The wind continued to increase: 25-35 knots, 35- 45 knots for 7 hours. The sky closed down on us and it felt that we were in a very small intense segment of the world. Our life vests with harnesses were always attached. The demand to hold on was constant and exhausting. As we rode the waves up, and then down I appreciated that if either of us fell from the boat it would be unlikely that we could be saved. Our auto helm continued to perform during this ordeal but for the last ~3 hours Dan took over the helm. He needed to brace himself into position and for leverage used his foot to steady the wheel. I could see he had to measure each decision he made. I watched frequently as Dan studied the wind direction and then carefully made adjustments to course and sails. He used principles that he had learned as a boy in San Diego when he learned to sail with Navy officers; most of them graduates of Annapolis.There were times when the rain pelted the sea with such intensity that it broke the surface tension and subdued the splash of the waves. The additional fuel cans that we had tied on deck started to go askew and were in danger of being carried off the vessel. Our new bimini and solar panels had been designed to withstand weather. But this much? My mind raced with many thoughts: we are just getting started, was it over already?, I hoped everyone would understand that I was living the challenge that I wanted. Before this weather calmed we saw 10-15 foot seas and up to 50 knots of wind.
What I had thought I needed to learn was not the only lesson. At the onset I wondered about the physical endurance – would seasickness render me unable to do anything? Could I let go of fear and trepidation to function productively? This was a test of endurance and determination. I learned to trust and to recognize that each of us as a team could bring Gypsy home. I learned that my insignificant life could be snuffed out without much ado. There is respect behind that recognition. I learned that I have no regret of my decision to face this life directly and with conviction. I felt calm. Dan is calm and so very competent. This was not what had been predicted for weather from several sources. We were out in the Atlantic and we needed to deal with our situation. In past conversations Dan and I have talked about how one prepares for difficult challenges. As he had learned from rock climbing and we both have learned from our yoga practice – one must use relaxation as much as possible when facing extreme challenges. Fear is not helpful in these situations. The proximity of the circumstances got me out of my head. There was not time for we “could have”, “should have” – we were. I had put my trust in Dan’s and my ability to be a team; to tackle each obstacle with wisdom and thought.
Our endurance was key here and once I was able to give myself to this experience I decided that I would hold on and breathe for as long as was needed. And we did. It is said that this kind of experience can either make it or break it for the future. I feel exhilarated and committed to this ongoing quest for my authentic life.
